The Pact

I love to read. I've been hoarding books from freecycle like I have all this time to read. Recently I picked up a Jodi Picoult book called The Pact - A Love Story. I was roped in right from the very beginning. I really liked the writing style and the story was easy to read and follow for the most part.

I'm used to reading fiction and novels that don't require much brain power to follow. A lot of times I'm reading before bed to relax so not always in tune to a complex story line or subject.

I found myself picking up this book more and more other times and bringing it with me in the car for reading while waiting in lines and such. I sped through it pretty quickly. It was easy to read but due to the subject matter, it was not an easy read. It really started to get under my skin in a thoughtful way and caused me to dig deep and think. I don't usually have this reaction to books.

It was sort of refreshing to spend some time thinking of a book as it relates to my personal self/family instead of just thinking wow that was a good book. This particular book centered around two teenagers and their families and dealt with teen suicide.

I've really started to think about the time when my children are teenagers and how we will all relate with one another and as a family. I didn't feel comfortable being open with my mother and as a result don't feel especially close to her these days. I want a much closer relationship with my own children and want them to know they can come to us anytime they need for whatever reason.

I don't want one of my children to go through an earth-shattering experience and not be able to find solace and comfort in my arms as they did as babies/small children. I want them to always know that their foundation is built at home and as such they can be open and find solutions here rather than outside or depending only on themselves. I don't ever want to say, "I had no idea" or "I never saw that coming."

With everything in the world today, it must be a real challenge staying connected to a teen. It's very scary to me to think about, especially with some of the personalities of my children. In my uneducated opinion, I would think it's a combination of parenting and the child themselves. I pray that as I go through each day with my children, that I'm building that close foundation stone by stone and not pushing them away by eroding something bit by bit. Perhaps it's not something you really know until later on.

I have always strived, at least mentally, to be that better mother to my children. I know it doesn't always come through but after reading this book, I really consider my actions/words before acting upon them more more than I did before reading this book. My thought is "Is this going to uplift them or undermine them?" When they are grown will they come back and say, "Remember that time ... that's what the root of it all."

I'm far from the perfect parent and some days, I just don't have it in me to consider every single action or word. Also, it's so easy to over-analyze everything and then be unable to do anything. But when it comes to some of the fundamental or big issues such as ethics, safety, love, etc. I try to really focus on what my response should be.

Last night Matthew asked me why God made him. My automatic, without thinking, response was I had no idea. But really I did have an idea after I thought for a minute. I told Matthew that God has a special work for him on this earth, some of which he began when he was an infant. Really it began upon conception. I don't know what the future brings for him or any of my other children, but they're pretty special in my book and I have the awesome privilege of guiding them through life. It's a heady responsibility but I can't imagine it any other way.