They don't tell you about all the weird things that happen to you when you get pregnant, like the dark line down your belly, leaky boobs, skin that stretches in places you never expected, hair that grows where you never expected, and so on. Most I can sort of understand as the body grows and expands and the hormones do their thing so you grow a lovely wee bairn in your belly.
But the strangest of all is the hair growth. I don't quite get this one. While pregnant my hair grows at astronomical rates. It grows faster, thicker and more of it grows until it's very thick. I have thick hair anyhow so this makes it even more. I find it difficult to find a barrette to corral it all.
So, I'm sitting around enjoying all this wonderful, luxurious growth of hair for three whole months after the baby is born. First, I'm sitting around wondering how my baby got to be so big already! Second, one day I wake up to take a shower and find a fistful of hair in my hand! The first time it happened I really freaked out. I had no idea this was a postpartum condition and thought I was ill!
So, it's been over a month and I'm tired of the shedding. I brush my hair before I shower to get out as much as possible and I still pull out a couple handfuls. It's always on my back and arms simulating a buggy feeling. The baby gets strands from time to time. So, if anyone has a clue as to the purpose of this, I'd love to hear it!
And from time to time I grieve that we decided not to have any more babies. I LOVE babies and since Charlotte's a fairly good baby, i.e. sleeping pretty well through the night LOL, I contemplate wishing we could have another.
And then I slap myself.
The old adage "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it" goes through my head. When dh and I got married we talked about four children. But a while after #3 came along I decided that was enough. Or should I say we decided. Financially it's a struggle and I just felt I didn't have anything left to give after that. We were so busy with school and activities.
Then BAM #4. What a surprise that was. I love the little dear with all my heart; I love each of them enormously. I can't imagine what life would be like without each of them. But dang it's a lot of work. Mentally, I'm spent by about 4:00. Then there's just so many more things to do in a day. I feel so beleagured I almost say I want to go back to work. But I don't really want to do that.
I kind of wonder if I have some bit of depression or PPD? I should probably find out but I'm afraid. I should probably tell DH. I'm just not the happiest person on earth right now even though I have a lot to be happy about. I wish I could go away for a while to regroup or have a whole week at home by myself to just get things accomplished. Maybe if I got everything in order then I'd feel better? That seems silly though. I kind of feel like if the house isn't spic and span all neat and tidy it's going to drive me crazy. I LOVE a clean house of course but it's somewhat cluttered is all. Maybe this is why my grandma's house was always so perfect. Maybe it was the only way she could think clearly.
I'm way overwhelmed right now.
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