I have a daily devotional book that I'm behind in reading. It is written by women for women, and I highly recommend it. This year's edition is called Renew. I used to stress over the fact that I tend to run behind in my reading, but over time I have realized that sometimes the message was meant for a different day -- for me.
Case in point: Yesterday someone I thought was close to me treatly me in a less than humane way and I was feeling really bad. I don't open up to people very easily, and it takes a long time to earn my trust and for me to feel comfortable being myself. So, to allow myself to trust these people and then have them abuse me in this manner was exceptionally upsetting. They questioned my honesty and integrity. They said things that were utterly insulting and were very harsh in the delivery of their message. They were closed-minded and unbending to anything but their own beliefs. They used their superior education to belittle others. To protect myself, I feel like I should just keep them at arms length. I don't really trust them at this point. It's sad to me that our relationship has deconstructed because they chose to be mean instead of treat us how any person deserves to be treated.
I was talking with a friend last night and she suggested that perhaps in time we could rebuild what we had. I'm grumpy and don't even wish to have anything to do with them. I really don't. If this is how you are going to treat someone when you are upset, then I have no use for that. What about the next time? Or the next? Should I set myself up to be treated badly every time they get upset about something in order to save a relationship? Or should I just let this one go? It's hard to know the difference. My husband suggested I pray about it, because really there's nothing else that can be done. Wise advice from him, especially.
So, this morning I forced myself to eat some breakfast and open my book. The message is actually from November 17 and entitled "Love Begets Love." It talks about loving people who seem unlovable or are difficult to love. It talks about how we act like we love people but we build walls so we don't get hurt. It talks about how we're not giving but protecting. Then it says that this isn't God's way of love.
Wow. Think about it. We surely don't deserve God's love. How many times have we turned our backs on him, did the opposite of what was right, gone our own path and just didn't care? He doesn't turn His back on us. He simply and patiently waits for us to return on our own. I'm glad I have a God with whom I can feel safe. I can turn to Him in times of trouble and he will protect me and offer me comfort and shelter from any sort of storm.
But what lesson is this message for me? My intent was to remain aloof and keep them at arm's length. But is that what God would want me to do? Is that forgiving? There's a lot to think about. I am very hurt and I don't expect an apology of any sort. So what further action is expected of me? Is it okay to just write them off and move on? Can I continue to have just a perfunctory relationship with them? I certainly can't return to the relationship we had and I don't want to them to think that they can treat me this way and sweep it under the rug. I told them there was no reason to behave like this and they defended themselves, so clearly they didn't see anything wrong with their behavior. Or perhaps they did and can't or won't admit it. I don't know the answer to these questions just yet.
Like my husband said, it needs prayer. In my head I know I need to forgive them and move on. I can't figure out if this means trying to return to a similiar relationship or is it okay to keep things on the surface. In my heart, it just hurts and wants to be shielded from future hurt. It's like being cut with a knife. Sure, the wound heals after time, but a scar always remains.
Lord, show me the way. Amen.
