I was hoping to get this down while the incident was fresh to capture the raw emotion at the time.
I knew that being a parent wasn't always easy or all fun and games. At the outset, I overly romanticized becoming and being a mother. Dressing your baby in cute outfits, clever portraits, play dates, reading books at bedtime, watching your lovely little one in a school play or concert and sweet birthday parties are some of things we look forward to when we choose to start a family. And those are the fun times we can all enjoy ... while they are small.
What I never really considered were the difficult issus of raising my children that can either cause me to want to pull out my hair or bring me to tears. I cried when each of my children were placed in my arms for the first time. I cried when they were dedicated at church. I cried when they started school. All joyful times, but I also cried when they were sick and I couldn't help them. I cried when they were hurt by another child. I cried out of frustration over sleeping and potty training. And now that they are growing older, we are trading small child issues with big kid issues. I'm finding that it's so much easier to take care of a baby than to parent a tween and emerging teen.
Case in point: (Oh how to choose just one!) The Geography Bee.
A few weeks ago, shortly after returning to school from winter break (or was it before going on winter break?), my oldest daughter came running home from school yelling about the geography bee. When she had calmed down enough to adequately explain, I discovered that she was competing in the school's geography bee which is like a spelling bee only with geography questions instead of spelling words. She and her younger sister had already turned down the spellling be because they don't care to stand up in front of people and "perform."
So, I was rather surprised that she had A. joined the geography bee in the first place and B. that she was so darn excited about the thing. How it works is the students in the upper two grades are given a geography test of about 40 questions. The students that answer a certain portion of questions correctly are then able to participate in the official geography bee. My daughter claimed she only got one question correct on the test, but judging by the number of students that took the test vs. the proportion of students in the bee, I think she must have gotten more than one correct.
In any event, we were on our way. She had a letter of congratulations and a sheet of links with which to help her study. She took a half-hearted stab at studying the first couple of weeks. To be honest, I was a little overwhelmed with the the information as it seemd so limitless. I also didn't know the format of the bee. I thought they would ask the students open-ended questions which would be difficult to answer.
I suggested my daughter ask the teachers in charge for some clarification on studying but she was too shy. After a couple weeks she decided she wanted to quit. This was the second child wanting to quit something in the middle. In her defense, I think if her teacher asked did she want to be in the bee she'd say no. She claimed they just expected the kids to be in it that passed the test. I'm thinking she was probably given an opportunity to opt out which she missed due to not paying attention. I considered her request and then told her she had to finish it out. She was not happy.
Before we knew it, the bee was in two weeks. Lots of studying to be done. Madison was getting really antsy about getting up in front of people and being embarasssed about not knowing an answer. I tried to reassure her that the questions would be grade appropriate and not all the kids would know the answers. She wouldn't be the only one not able to answer a question. I encouraged her to study as much as possible and just do the best she could. That was all that was expected of her. These affirmations did little to reassure her, however. I was feeling a bit guilty that I was causing her grief, but my general feeling is if you start something you should finish. Even when it's more difficult on me to continue than let them quit.
Finally, the day arrived. Madison was a complete nervous nelly, and I couldn't blame her. I gave her hugs and affirmations and sent her on her way. After she walked on the bus I had a bit of hindsight in that I should have prayed with her. As it was, I prayed after she left for her and all the children participating. Lucky for me, the parents were invited to attend later in the afternoon, and I was looking forward to that.
The bee participants began to trickle in and take their places on the stage. Of the other three or four sets of parents that attended the bee, two sets were parents of Madison's friends. I anxiously awaited Madison's arrival. Finally she came in the gym, ran over to my chair and burst into tears. It still makes me cry when I think about it. She was so sad and upset and nervous and seeing me, she just couldn't hold it in any longer. I can't even adequately express how she felt but I just melted.
I hugged her and told her how smart she is. I reaffirmed that she is a strong person and can do this, even though it's hard. I also reminded her that she can take a pass if she doesn't know a question, but to try and at least give some answer and also that she will not be the only one to miss a question. She finally collected herself and slowly went up on stage. I sat in my seat, holding my nephew and hugging her coat trying not to cry. What kind of mom was I to make my kid do something that was so upsetting to her? On one level I felt like the worst mom ever.
One of Madison's friends comforted her before they went up on stage and it reminded me of what nice friends she has. Then that friend's mom came over and asked if Madison was crying. That did it. I burst into tears myself. Now I really felt foolish but I really was feeling awful that Madison was so upset. I explained it to her and collected myself. Madison collected herself and the teachers got the geography bee under way.
The format began as multiple choice. Excellent! You get a one in three chance of getting the right answer ;) Madison answered her first two questions correctly and I cheered her on! I could see she was nervous but I could also see the pride and joy on her face when she answered the question properly. I could see her relax and not lose it when she didn't get the right answer. I chuckled at the boy who, despite his best efforts to not do well, got upset when he answered questions correctly and cheered when he answered them incorrectly. Unfortunately, I did not get to see the last round of the bee. Ultimately, Madison did not make it to the finals but that's okay. In my mind, Madison had already "won" when she walked up, took her place on stage and answered the first question.
I knew when I became a mom that I would have lots of things to teach my children, but I never really stopped to consider what I might learn from my them. And I do learn a lot! Madison and I learned a lot from this geography bee, but the most important thing we both learned was not geography.
I learned how hard it is to encourage your children to do the right thing, especially when it's difficult or scary. I know that as heartfelt as my tears were and the depth of the guilt I felt at making my child cry, it was the right thing to do as a parent. Sure, it was only a geography bee and so what if she quit? But what does that teach her overall? It doesn't teach her to stick with something, even when it's hard, i.e. perserverence. It doesn't teach her that she's responsible for her actions and they affect other people, i.e. dependability. Letting her quit doesn't teach her that she's a strong and smart individual and she can do what she sets her mind to do. Letting her quit doesn't teach her that she's brave to face down her fears and come out at the conclusion smiling and proud to have done her best. In addition to learning those things, I hope by encouraging her to continue, she learned that no matter what she can depend on her parents. We work together and we support her. And in the middle of all that, she did learn some geography.
