I have a daily devotional book that I'm behind in reading. It is written by women for women, and I highly recommend it. This year's edition is called Renew. I used to stress over the fact that I tend to run behind in my reading, but over time I have realized that sometimes the message was meant for a different day -- for me.
Case in point: Yesterday someone I thought was close to me treatly me in a less than humane way and I was feeling really bad. I don't open up to people very easily, and it takes a long time to earn my trust and for me to feel comfortable being myself. So, to allow myself to trust these people and then have them abuse me in this manner was exceptionally upsetting. They questioned my honesty and integrity. They said things that were utterly insulting and were very harsh in the delivery of their message. They were closed-minded and unbending to anything but their own beliefs. They used their superior education to belittle others. To protect myself, I feel like I should just keep them at arms length. I don't really trust them at this point. It's sad to me that our relationship has deconstructed because they chose to be mean instead of treat us how any person deserves to be treated.
I was talking with a friend last night and she suggested that perhaps in time we could rebuild what we had. I'm grumpy and don't even wish to have anything to do with them. I really don't. If this is how you are going to treat someone when you are upset, then I have no use for that. What about the next time? Or the next? Should I set myself up to be treated badly every time they get upset about something in order to save a relationship? Or should I just let this one go? It's hard to know the difference. My husband suggested I pray about it, because really there's nothing else that can be done. Wise advice from him, especially.
So, this morning I forced myself to eat some breakfast and open my book. The message is actually from November 17 and entitled "Love Begets Love." It talks about loving people who seem unlovable or are difficult to love. It talks about how we act like we love people but we build walls so we don't get hurt. It talks about how we're not giving but protecting. Then it says that this isn't God's way of love.
Wow. Think about it. We surely don't deserve God's love. How many times have we turned our backs on him, did the opposite of what was right, gone our own path and just didn't care? He doesn't turn His back on us. He simply and patiently waits for us to return on our own. I'm glad I have a God with whom I can feel safe. I can turn to Him in times of trouble and he will protect me and offer me comfort and shelter from any sort of storm.
But what lesson is this message for me? My intent was to remain aloof and keep them at arm's length. But is that what God would want me to do? Is that forgiving? There's a lot to think about. I am very hurt and I don't expect an apology of any sort. So what further action is expected of me? Is it okay to just write them off and move on? Can I continue to have just a perfunctory relationship with them? I certainly can't return to the relationship we had and I don't want to them to think that they can treat me this way and sweep it under the rug. I told them there was no reason to behave like this and they defended themselves, so clearly they didn't see anything wrong with their behavior. Or perhaps they did and can't or won't admit it. I don't know the answer to these questions just yet.
Like my husband said, it needs prayer. In my head I know I need to forgive them and move on. I can't figure out if this means trying to return to a similiar relationship or is it okay to keep things on the surface. In my heart, it just hurts and wants to be shielded from future hurt. It's like being cut with a knife. Sure, the wound heals after time, but a scar always remains.
Lord, show me the way. Amen.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Fav Beach Picture
I'm entering a knitting contest and it asks for my fav. beach picture. I think this must be it :)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Geography Lesson
I was hoping to get this down while the incident was fresh to capture the raw emotion at the time.
I knew that being a parent wasn't always easy or all fun and games. At the outset, I overly romanticized becoming and being a mother. Dressing your baby in cute outfits, clever portraits, play dates, reading books at bedtime, watching your lovely little one in a school play or concert and sweet birthday parties are some of things we look forward to when we choose to start a family. And those are the fun times we can all enjoy ... while they are small.
What I never really considered were the difficult issus of raising my children that can either cause me to want to pull out my hair or bring me to tears. I cried when each of my children were placed in my arms for the first time. I cried when they were dedicated at church. I cried when they started school. All joyful times, but I also cried when they were sick and I couldn't help them. I cried when they were hurt by another child. I cried out of frustration over sleeping and potty training. And now that they are growing older, we are trading small child issues with big kid issues. I'm finding that it's so much easier to take care of a baby than to parent a tween and emerging teen.
Case in point: (Oh how to choose just one!) The Geography Bee.
A few weeks ago, shortly after returning to school from winter break (or was it before going on winter break?), my oldest daughter came running home from school yelling about the geography bee. When she had calmed down enough to adequately explain, I discovered that she was competing in the school's geography bee which is like a spelling bee only with geography questions instead of spelling words. She and her younger sister had already turned down the spellling be because they don't care to stand up in front of people and "perform."
So, I was rather surprised that she had A. joined the geography bee in the first place and B. that she was so darn excited about the thing. How it works is the students in the upper two grades are given a geography test of about 40 questions. The students that answer a certain portion of questions correctly are then able to participate in the official geography bee. My daughter claimed she only got one question correct on the test, but judging by the number of students that took the test vs. the proportion of students in the bee, I think she must have gotten more than one correct.
In any event, we were on our way. She had a letter of congratulations and a sheet of links with which to help her study. She took a half-hearted stab at studying the first couple of weeks. To be honest, I was a little overwhelmed with the the information as it seemd so limitless. I also didn't know the format of the bee. I thought they would ask the students open-ended questions which would be difficult to answer.
I suggested my daughter ask the teachers in charge for some clarification on studying but she was too shy. After a couple weeks she decided she wanted to quit. This was the second child wanting to quit something in the middle. In her defense, I think if her teacher asked did she want to be in the bee she'd say no. She claimed they just expected the kids to be in it that passed the test. I'm thinking she was probably given an opportunity to opt out which she missed due to not paying attention. I considered her request and then told her she had to finish it out. She was not happy.
Before we knew it, the bee was in two weeks. Lots of studying to be done. Madison was getting really antsy about getting up in front of people and being embarasssed about not knowing an answer. I tried to reassure her that the questions would be grade appropriate and not all the kids would know the answers. She wouldn't be the only one not able to answer a question. I encouraged her to study as much as possible and just do the best she could. That was all that was expected of her. These affirmations did little to reassure her, however. I was feeling a bit guilty that I was causing her grief, but my general feeling is if you start something you should finish. Even when it's more difficult on me to continue than let them quit.
Finally, the day arrived. Madison was a complete nervous nelly, and I couldn't blame her. I gave her hugs and affirmations and sent her on her way. After she walked on the bus I had a bit of hindsight in that I should have prayed with her. As it was, I prayed after she left for her and all the children participating. Lucky for me, the parents were invited to attend later in the afternoon, and I was looking forward to that.
The bee participants began to trickle in and take their places on the stage. Of the other three or four sets of parents that attended the bee, two sets were parents of Madison's friends. I anxiously awaited Madison's arrival. Finally she came in the gym, ran over to my chair and burst into tears. It still makes me cry when I think about it. She was so sad and upset and nervous and seeing me, she just couldn't hold it in any longer. I can't even adequately express how she felt but I just melted.
I hugged her and told her how smart she is. I reaffirmed that she is a strong person and can do this, even though it's hard. I also reminded her that she can take a pass if she doesn't know a question, but to try and at least give some answer and also that she will not be the only one to miss a question. She finally collected herself and slowly went up on stage. I sat in my seat, holding my nephew and hugging her coat trying not to cry. What kind of mom was I to make my kid do something that was so upsetting to her? On one level I felt like the worst mom ever.
One of Madison's friends comforted her before they went up on stage and it reminded me of what nice friends she has. Then that friend's mom came over and asked if Madison was crying. That did it. I burst into tears myself. Now I really felt foolish but I really was feeling awful that Madison was so upset. I explained it to her and collected myself. Madison collected herself and the teachers got the geography bee under way.
The format began as multiple choice. Excellent! You get a one in three chance of getting the right answer ;) Madison answered her first two questions correctly and I cheered her on! I could see she was nervous but I could also see the pride and joy on her face when she answered the question properly. I could see her relax and not lose it when she didn't get the right answer. I chuckled at the boy who, despite his best efforts to not do well, got upset when he answered questions correctly and cheered when he answered them incorrectly. Unfortunately, I did not get to see the last round of the bee. Ultimately, Madison did not make it to the finals but that's okay. In my mind, Madison had already "won" when she walked up, took her place on stage and answered the first question.
I knew when I became a mom that I would have lots of things to teach my children, but I never really stopped to consider what I might learn from my them. And I do learn a lot! Madison and I learned a lot from this geography bee, but the most important thing we both learned was not geography.
I learned how hard it is to encourage your children to do the right thing, especially when it's difficult or scary. I know that as heartfelt as my tears were and the depth of the guilt I felt at making my child cry, it was the right thing to do as a parent. Sure, it was only a geography bee and so what if she quit? But what does that teach her overall? It doesn't teach her to stick with something, even when it's hard, i.e. perserverence. It doesn't teach her that she's responsible for her actions and they affect other people, i.e. dependability. Letting her quit doesn't teach her that she's a strong and smart individual and she can do what she sets her mind to do. Letting her quit doesn't teach her that she's brave to face down her fears and come out at the conclusion smiling and proud to have done her best. In addition to learning those things, I hope by encouraging her to continue, she learned that no matter what she can depend on her parents. We work together and we support her. And in the middle of all that, she did learn some geography.
I knew that being a parent wasn't always easy or all fun and games. At the outset, I overly romanticized becoming and being a mother. Dressing your baby in cute outfits, clever portraits, play dates, reading books at bedtime, watching your lovely little one in a school play or concert and sweet birthday parties are some of things we look forward to when we choose to start a family. And those are the fun times we can all enjoy ... while they are small.
What I never really considered were the difficult issus of raising my children that can either cause me to want to pull out my hair or bring me to tears. I cried when each of my children were placed in my arms for the first time. I cried when they were dedicated at church. I cried when they started school. All joyful times, but I also cried when they were sick and I couldn't help them. I cried when they were hurt by another child. I cried out of frustration over sleeping and potty training. And now that they are growing older, we are trading small child issues with big kid issues. I'm finding that it's so much easier to take care of a baby than to parent a tween and emerging teen.
Case in point: (Oh how to choose just one!) The Geography Bee.
A few weeks ago, shortly after returning to school from winter break (or was it before going on winter break?), my oldest daughter came running home from school yelling about the geography bee. When she had calmed down enough to adequately explain, I discovered that she was competing in the school's geography bee which is like a spelling bee only with geography questions instead of spelling words. She and her younger sister had already turned down the spellling be because they don't care to stand up in front of people and "perform."
So, I was rather surprised that she had A. joined the geography bee in the first place and B. that she was so darn excited about the thing. How it works is the students in the upper two grades are given a geography test of about 40 questions. The students that answer a certain portion of questions correctly are then able to participate in the official geography bee. My daughter claimed she only got one question correct on the test, but judging by the number of students that took the test vs. the proportion of students in the bee, I think she must have gotten more than one correct.
In any event, we were on our way. She had a letter of congratulations and a sheet of links with which to help her study. She took a half-hearted stab at studying the first couple of weeks. To be honest, I was a little overwhelmed with the the information as it seemd so limitless. I also didn't know the format of the bee. I thought they would ask the students open-ended questions which would be difficult to answer.
I suggested my daughter ask the teachers in charge for some clarification on studying but she was too shy. After a couple weeks she decided she wanted to quit. This was the second child wanting to quit something in the middle. In her defense, I think if her teacher asked did she want to be in the bee she'd say no. She claimed they just expected the kids to be in it that passed the test. I'm thinking she was probably given an opportunity to opt out which she missed due to not paying attention. I considered her request and then told her she had to finish it out. She was not happy.
Before we knew it, the bee was in two weeks. Lots of studying to be done. Madison was getting really antsy about getting up in front of people and being embarasssed about not knowing an answer. I tried to reassure her that the questions would be grade appropriate and not all the kids would know the answers. She wouldn't be the only one not able to answer a question. I encouraged her to study as much as possible and just do the best she could. That was all that was expected of her. These affirmations did little to reassure her, however. I was feeling a bit guilty that I was causing her grief, but my general feeling is if you start something you should finish. Even when it's more difficult on me to continue than let them quit.
Finally, the day arrived. Madison was a complete nervous nelly, and I couldn't blame her. I gave her hugs and affirmations and sent her on her way. After she walked on the bus I had a bit of hindsight in that I should have prayed with her. As it was, I prayed after she left for her and all the children participating. Lucky for me, the parents were invited to attend later in the afternoon, and I was looking forward to that.
The bee participants began to trickle in and take their places on the stage. Of the other three or four sets of parents that attended the bee, two sets were parents of Madison's friends. I anxiously awaited Madison's arrival. Finally she came in the gym, ran over to my chair and burst into tears. It still makes me cry when I think about it. She was so sad and upset and nervous and seeing me, she just couldn't hold it in any longer. I can't even adequately express how she felt but I just melted.
I hugged her and told her how smart she is. I reaffirmed that she is a strong person and can do this, even though it's hard. I also reminded her that she can take a pass if she doesn't know a question, but to try and at least give some answer and also that she will not be the only one to miss a question. She finally collected herself and slowly went up on stage. I sat in my seat, holding my nephew and hugging her coat trying not to cry. What kind of mom was I to make my kid do something that was so upsetting to her? On one level I felt like the worst mom ever.
One of Madison's friends comforted her before they went up on stage and it reminded me of what nice friends she has. Then that friend's mom came over and asked if Madison was crying. That did it. I burst into tears myself. Now I really felt foolish but I really was feeling awful that Madison was so upset. I explained it to her and collected myself. Madison collected herself and the teachers got the geography bee under way.
The format began as multiple choice. Excellent! You get a one in three chance of getting the right answer ;) Madison answered her first two questions correctly and I cheered her on! I could see she was nervous but I could also see the pride and joy on her face when she answered the question properly. I could see her relax and not lose it when she didn't get the right answer. I chuckled at the boy who, despite his best efforts to not do well, got upset when he answered questions correctly and cheered when he answered them incorrectly. Unfortunately, I did not get to see the last round of the bee. Ultimately, Madison did not make it to the finals but that's okay. In my mind, Madison had already "won" when she walked up, took her place on stage and answered the first question.
I knew when I became a mom that I would have lots of things to teach my children, but I never really stopped to consider what I might learn from my them. And I do learn a lot! Madison and I learned a lot from this geography bee, but the most important thing we both learned was not geography.
I learned how hard it is to encourage your children to do the right thing, especially when it's difficult or scary. I know that as heartfelt as my tears were and the depth of the guilt I felt at making my child cry, it was the right thing to do as a parent. Sure, it was only a geography bee and so what if she quit? But what does that teach her overall? It doesn't teach her to stick with something, even when it's hard, i.e. perserverence. It doesn't teach her that she's responsible for her actions and they affect other people, i.e. dependability. Letting her quit doesn't teach her that she's a strong and smart individual and she can do what she sets her mind to do. Letting her quit doesn't teach her that she's brave to face down her fears and come out at the conclusion smiling and proud to have done her best. In addition to learning those things, I hope by encouraging her to continue, she learned that no matter what she can depend on her parents. We work together and we support her. And in the middle of all that, she did learn some geography.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)